THE NEW NEW

I've been wondering when it will become trendy to buy something new.
As in modern, unique, never been seen before. Because it can only be a matter of time before retro is out of date. New will be the new new and old will no longer be new but positively dated.
If you get what I mean?!
But I have to admit I have always been a sucker for old style, retro trainers.
Very clever. Makes me feel like a teenager again (although does that mean that they make a teenager feel like an old git??)
Take an old design, jazz up it's image as 'cool' and hey presto. Instant fucking wad of notes in the bank.
And no designer to pay.
But I bet not even the top brains in Adidas could have really believed we would go for the 'Stan Smith'.
Not that there is anything wrong with the trainer.
But if you were asked to name a high profile sporting icon from the 70's, Stan bloody Smith isnt exactly the first name that springs to mind.

I suppose it's well done to Adidas for getting away with it.

But the cold truth is...

THE MAN IS FUCKING BALD!!

With a moustache.

Like the stereotypical 1973 German porn star. But with better trainers.



The Original Stan Smith

And the Original Stan Smiths

Only one of them is good to look at....

Now if Adidas had any sense, they would bring out 'The Nastase'.....
Because there you have a real tennis God. Dark, brooding and good looking, with a great sense of humour and a mean player to boot.
In comparison to Stan Smith, he was a womanizing, champagne swigging, bad tempered nasty bastard. Just the kind of bloke we can relate to. And as opposed to asking for the whereabouts of your Stan Smith's, wouldn't it be so much cooler to be able to say "Where the fuck's me Nasties??".

"Listen, I'll wear what the fuck I want on my feet, o.k.??"

FOOTNOTE: If retro is so cool, why is my Nokia 3210 so fucking funny?

Listen, fashion muppets, one day you'll be fucking weeping 'cos you wished you could change your plastic cover for a different colour. You mark my words.......

EASY WEB UPDATE

A mate of mine has sent me an e-mail,
Apparently, my wonderful new website 'doesn't work' on his computer.
He's running, and I quote, " Safari on a Mac".
Oh Dear, Oh Dear.
And you told me!
They do say there's one born every minute.
A Mac is to keep the fucking rain off.
Sort your life out!!

EASY 3 STEP WEBSITE

JUST 3 EASY STEPS and your very own, personal website will be up and running - and all for free!!
Er... yeah. Right.
Hence the recent Blog neglect.
Been working on a website for a music collective I'm involved in (it's only taken us 6 fucking years to get there) and being both skint and tight, we want free hosting. Well you would, wouldn't you?
And this one seems so bloody simple.
1. Create Account
2. Create Site and Upload
3. Promote it
The first bit wasn't too tricky. But of course, any obvious name you want for your site has already gone. So you need to be a bit creative. Except, of course, if you are us. 'Cos the name we want is available. It is nothing short of a fucking miracle!
Stage 2. Create a web site. Just like that! Not to worry that lots of people get paid lots of money to produce websites. You can do your own. Piece of piss. How difficult can it be? If you want it to look like a kids exercise book, that is.
As with anything that needs a little thought, you can produce a reasonable looking site. Might not be too flashy and have too many dancing lights and video streams on it, but it can be quite presentable. Just not in two days!
Hence the Blog neglect.
And what they don't tell you is that it can take as long to upload the bloody thing as it does to create it. 'Cos its free. And every other fucking skinflint, tight-arse, "look at my new website" clever bastard is trying to upload their brand new, award winning opus at the same fucking time as you! But we got there. And yes, like so many others., it is only half finished. But boy, are we proud of it.....
And so to the final step. Now call me thick, but I thought Google promoted it. Once it's there, everyone types in something relevant and up you pop at the top of the list.
Doh! Not quite that simple. Google isn't sitting there waiting for you especially so they can tell the world. After all, they do have one or two other sites to choose from.
So you gotta tell all your mates. Get them to tell their mates.
Oh, and it might help to have something mildly interesting when they get there.
Not many people want to see 450 pictures from your ski-ing holiday. No matter how good a bloody skier you are!
You can always add one of those counters to your site. Its not tricky - you just pinch it from somewhere. Then you know how many people have visited you. Or not. Which might prove a little depressing if you actually KNOW that not one single person has seen it.
ALMOST LIKE DOING A BLOG, REALLY!!

(Of course, you must have been expecting this bit. It kind of comes under step 3 - promotion.
So here it is - http://skittlealley.110mb.com/home
And it's actually really, really good. Honest!)

KATE MOSS

Because I can......

MUPPET OF THE MONTH

MUPPET OF THE MONTH FOR FEBRUARY

Welcome to the very first Muppet of the Month award.

This is awarded to anyone whose behaviour has been nothing short of total muppetry and can have no excuses.

Hopefully it will never feature a woman driving a people carrier or any staff at Budgens because that would just be cruel and too fucking easy!! Like capturing a wasp in a jam jar and banging on the lid shouting "Soft Wanker!"

As you might well imagine, each month there is most likely to be a plethora of candidates, from the famous to the not so well known, and this months winner was almost pipped at the death by my very own son, who only last night, while enjoying a Birthday meal at a local pub, proceeded to drop his mobile phone into a full glass of coke!

What's particularly irritating is that he has an all singing, all dancing Nokia with Blue Tooth, MP3, blah, blah and blah. Whereas I'm still struggling along with an old Panasonic thats only feature seems to be a rather stationery colour screen. But does he appreciate it? Does he fuck! Following frantic removal of covers, battery, SIM card and the like, and a quick wipe with a serviette, he declared it 'probably' o.k., if a bit sticky. Although to me, Tupac seemed in definite danger of drowning on the screen - think I'd rather be shot.....

I have told him, if new phones are needed, I'll be the one with the new one, not the prat that drops his in his coke. He, of course, could then always have my old one - let's see how fucking cool he looks answering that!

But no. He has narrowly escaped.

Beaten by my mate, Paul.

This is how it works.

You park your car outside a local leisure centre while you go in for a "sauna" (yea, right).

This area is notorious for car thefts and break-ins.

Indeed, only the day before it had featured in the local paper after a spate of thefts from cars.

But you have to park somewhere, agreed.

You hang your jacket up in the changing room and go off for your sauna.

You DO NOT

a) leave your car keys in the jacket pocket

b) be so trustfull as to not bother putting your belongings in a locker (with key!)

c) have laying in the back of your car a £300, fairly rare bass guitar

Cue return from sauna to find keys gone, guitar gone, wallet gone, credit cards gone.

DOH!

Two days later, my mate is in the local paper, picture and all, looking suitably miserable and bemoaning his loss.

DOH again!

As if it wasn't stupid enough to get it knicked in the first place, it's even more stupid letting the whole county know about it.

Muppet might be being too kind.

Consider yourself very fucking fortunate there isn't a "Totally Stupid Fucking Prat of the Year" award!!

Nice one, Paul.